End of Summer, 2013

I can’t believe it’s already the end of my last official summer, and nearly the beginning of my last year of undergraduate. It’s cliche, but I so clearly remember first arriving on The Commons and feeling overwhelmed with excitement and nervousness from the new environment and the possibilities “college” (especially one out of state) represented. I felt similar feelings upon arriving in Glasgow last fall. A very particular spirit of joviality characterized my first two weeks in Glasgow, where every sight, sound, and scent was foreign and exciting. I’ll never forget how I felt those two weeks: it was the feeling that I could begin fresh because no one knew me or had any preconceptions about me (except the fact I was American I guess), and the city was mine to explore. 

My senior year will be special, I know it. But I can’t disregard the fact that I probably have a sort of reputation on campus. That makes it sound so dramatic, and I don’t mean for it to, but a reputation is a reputation whether good or bad. And when said reputation makes me feel frustrated, angry, and oftentimes sad, it’s a burden to live with it. I’m different since I entered college my freshman year because my views on so many subjects have changed, and because I truly believe I’ve become much more tolerant and open-minded. The many changes in environments throughout the past three years (Nashville, Shanghai, Glasgow) I’ve experienced allowed me to meet many people who lead different lifestyles and hold different beliefs. It’s been a blessing, no doubt, but it has also exposed me to the less innocent parts of life and growing up and I could not be more thankful.

I think it’s appropriate to say I was quite naive entering into college. I’m less so now, but it’d be a joke to call me fully mature. As Britney said, “I’m Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman”. 

I’m terrible at blog-writing, but what I’ve been trying to get to in this post is that after this next year, I’m excited for something new. I would strongly dislike staying in Nashville or returning to Austin because the people I know and community I have in those two cities have an image of me that I’d like to shed. I’m not saying they’re not representative of some part of me whether in the past or present, but I’d like to get away. Which brings me to the next point…

Many times when I think about my ~problems~ and what to do to resolve them I feel like I’m often copping out by running away in a certain sense. I’m not going to elaborate on this because it’s a bit complicated. 

I can’t wait to travel and explore and have many adventures around the globe after this year is over. And as always, I’m incredibly grateful to my parents for aways supporting me and loving me even if it’s in ways I can’t understand (Asian American problems). 

So this summer back in Austin has been characterized by copious amounts of…

-Breaking Bad
-Sabrina the Teenage Witch (this especially has been the highlight of most days)
-Freaks and Geeks
-Jake Bugg
-Everything Everything
-Middle School music (Taking Back Sunday, Bright Eyes, etc.)
-Late nights where I can’t sleep
-Pinteresting and Tumblring
-Enviously looking at “Fitblrs” but not really doing anything
-Trying to console/convince myself that I can be happy and content with where I am in life, despite what others are doing or what others want me to do…or what I think I want or should be doing *confusing*

 

Summer 2013

So this post is for Christy who always complains about how I never post on here. And I guess her complaints are warranted since it’s been about half a year since I’ve written anything.

I’ve been home in the states for almost a week now, having been in Glasgow the past month working with Think Publishing. It was a great internship and a great trip. Met loads of new folks, drank to my heart’s content, and danced every night away until the wee hours of the morning, only to wake up before anyone else in the flat, walk to work, and settle down in the office with my square sausage and egg roll.

This summer I’ll be:

a) Reviewing Japanese seeing as I’ve forgotten about 80% of what I’ve learned and it’s meant to be my minor haaaa
b) Studying for the GRE (eek)
c) Working hopefully to save up some cash. Or not.
d) Arting
e) Getting fit

I really feel like (or perhaps I just really want to) I’ll be living in the UK after I graduate from Vandy. Now, I obviously loved the nightlife, music scene, and all the partying I did during my semester and one month abroad there, but I feel like there’s much more to the city and Scotland than that. There’s the culture, people, general banter, convenience, sights, and of course the thrill of being in the UK, which almost all Americans idolize like crazy. Part of my heart belongs in Glasgow. It was the setting for so many milestone moments in my life, and going back this second time it really did feel like home. I desperately wish to work, and maybe do a postgrad thing, in the UK in the near future, but I’m scared that the pull I’m feeling isn’t because of my love for Glasgow or Scotland, but my love for partying and having people see me as ‘exotic’ because I’m an Asian American.

Whenever I think about the future I get worried and anxious, but I’m able to resolve my feelings by telling myself there’s still time…it’s still a long way off. But now I’m a few months away from beginning my final year at Vanderbilt University (holy moly have the years flew by!!!) and everything is becoming real. My parents are always nagging me about what I’m going to do in the future (mind you my mother stated that I can’t accept a job that will pay me less than $50,000 a year right after I graduate haaaaaa), and I’m starting to get really worried that perhaps I spent 4 years of my life studying the wrong subjects and I’m just going to have to ‘start over’ all again. Thankfully I know Vanderbilt has taught me some lifelong skills and lessons, not to mention the amazing friendships and people I’ve met along the way.

I’ve spent the past hour looking over postgraduate degree ‘programmes’ at Glasgow Uni and Edinburgh Uni and I’m already exhausted. While I’m not exactly super keen to go to grad school and would prefer to work for a bit after graduation, I’m torn between doing what my parents want me to do (go to grad school), and doing what I think will allow me to live abroad. I’m too young and immature for these decisions!

I just have so many ~feelings~ right now, it’s only been a few nights since returning from Glasgow, and like any time I switch settings, I miss the former like a maniac and cannot help but dwell on the memories, relationships, and feelings experienced earlier. I think one of things I loved most about Glasgow was the independence of living in my own flat; it’s definitely a different situation than living on campus or with my parents.

My thoughts are scrambled, but here’s what’s been keeping me happy as of late:

Eeeee Eee Eeee by Tao Lin
Garden of Eden by Ernest Hemingway (perfect for my trip to Cote d’Azur)
Letters of Rainer Maria Rilke

Daft Punk’s Random Access Memories (been obsessed with the track Giorgio by Moroder)
James Blake’s Overgrown
Vicetone’s Hope
Foal’s Holy Fire

Of course for the past week I’ve basically been surviving off fb chats with my flatmates, snapchats, and chips and salsa all within the comfort of my room aka the cave.

Obviously if you have even a slight bad feeling about it you should just listen to your gut.

 

Duh. Too bad I never take my own advice.

Anyway, now I’m back in Austin and everyone is on holiday somewhere or busy so I probably won’t be able to see as many people as I’d like, unfortunately. But at least there’s good food here.

I’m not sure if what’s happening is something really good or something really bad

Me, Me, Me

 

No one deserves to make me feel unhappy or to make me feel bad about myself. I am in control of my emotions and I don’t have to feel like shit. I deserve the best and no less.

Note to Self

So Jake Bugg just came out with his debut album and I’ve been listening to it non-stop, it’s fantastic. There’s a song that I really like in particular called “Note to Self”. I wish I could find it on Youtube and put the link here so you guys could listen to it as well, but it’s really lovely. Look it up on Spotify I guess.

Here are the lyrics of the song (which I typed out!):

Girl, you’ve been forgetting
just how special you really are
And I tried to remind you
but sometimes I can’t find you
but the truth is in your heart

 So write a note to yourself 

Girl, don’t beat yourself up
Your best is good enough
So pick the pen up

And write a note to yourself,
a note to yourself
Don’t be cruel because things do happen
And you know it’s not your fault
Don’t cover your wounds with the salt

Girl, let me tell you what I see
You’ve got to believe me
you’re a thing of beauty
Girl, put it in an envelope
and put it in the post
It’ll come back to your door

And read the note to yourself,
note to yourself
Don’t be cruel because things do happen
And you know it’s not your fault
Don’t cover your wounds with the salt

 And write a note to yourself
And read the note to yourself,
note to yourself

It’s quite encouraging isn’t it? So tonight I sat down and wrote a letter to myself. Well, it was in my journal, but still. And it felt really really good because lately I’ve been questioning myself and feeling just overall really not good. But writing this letter, even if it is to myself, really cheered me up and got my mind back in the right place.

So, do it. It makes you feel good. And the things that you write down are true. You are special, you are beautiful, and you do deserve the best. You are awesome and don’t ever think otherwise.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.